A diffrent way of living...I guess I am strange.

While I was shopping today a lady complained about the price of a package of chicken gravy.  She asked me what I thought, and I agreed that was a lot to pay for it, but then went on to say I don't buy it.  Bullion, water and corn starch does just fine.  She had never heard of making gravy that way.  I guess I am just strange to do it from "scratch" and not relying on packaged food.

Today I am pickling beets, so I don't have to buy them, and canning beans.  Old fashion ways of life, but they save me in so many different ways.

If today was your last day would you live it differently?

A local school bus driver died two days ago while driving her bus.  She died on the job.  That simple idea has me thinking, how would live my life differently if I knew that today would be my last day? Or what if there would never be the "golden years of retirement" to do all the things I say I want to do?  If I knew that today, next week or next year was all I was going to get, would I still do what I am doing or would I change what I was going to do?  What would still be a part of my life and what would be gone?

I am not sure I know the answer yet.  I think I may think on it for a while.  But not too long, it may be last day here.  :o)

Someday......

There are days when my someday dreams jump out and say "Do me now!  Here is how you could do it."  It hurts to say back "Someday, just not yet."  I love teaching, I really do.  I enjoy teenagers, they really are fun.  But full time teaching is not to be at this time.  I still have children at home who need mom to be, well, mom.  When they grow up it will be time for those someday dreams.  The day is coming,  Kids do grow up.  Someday, just not yet.

Taking care of ME

I'll be up front.  I have cancer.  It was found when my thyroid was removed, and yes, it is thyroid cancer.

To ensure that it did not spread I have to have a scan done.  To do the scan I must be off of my thyroid hormone replacement, as it will give false positives.  For a little over a week I have been off the meds and I am functioning, to a point.  But by and large I have "shut" down my life.  What a life changing thing to do!

BUT........

Because I am functioning some around me still expect me to do what I normally do.  They forget cause I am still up right.  But time is not on my side.  I can feel it.  There are things that MUST be done before I lose all energy and that may very well mean that your project is getting pushed aside for my project, something I would not had done in the past.

Because I am functioning some have no clue this is even happening.  I know I am stepping on some "toes" because I am not jumping up to help them in their own perceived need.  I have to weigh out every choice I am making right now.  If I give energy, which is on short supply, to you will I have energy for...family, home, or myself?  Just chose one because those are the three areas I have shut my life down to.  I give to you and that may very well mean I am taking from a child that needs my help, help that only I can give.

By shutting down of my life I have found there are things called boundaries.  That one can set them up in their life and other will have to respect them.  But first you have to own them and respect them.  Now that I have found them, I am going to keep them, even when my energy is back.  There are those that may not be happy with me because when they say jump I will not say "How high?".  But I will finally have time for the things that matter most to me in my life.  Something that I have to easily allowed to be pushed out by others demands on my time and lost. 

Don't like cancer.  But what a blessing it has become in my life.  (and this is just the start of the journey.)

Footnote to Letting Go

Sometimes you need time to process what is going on; what you are thinking.  With another day behind me and another point of view to consider I can say today, "I can let go".  Not only can I let go but I can be grateful to have had the experience that the letter brought into my life.  I can be, will be, a better person because of it.  It is up to me and what I choose to do from this point on. 

Do I wish I had never received it?  Yes, for when I received it the end of a friendship started.

Do I regret getting it?  No.  For the growth that has come, and will come, because of it I will not regret it.  

It is like many trials in my life.  Do I want to go through them?  No.  Would I ever give up one of them? No.  In fact I am grateful for them, as painful as they are, because of the gift of growth they give to me.

Letting Go

I am letting go of stuff.  That is easy thing to do.  I tackled my bedroom this week and I feel so much better.  I have a place of peace in my house.  I also found energy and tackled the "junk" room, a space in the basement that we are not yet sure what to do with it.   Dream, at this point, a "holding" space for toys, ping pong table, and other things.  I want cupboards and a small closet to store things.  Right now it is full of boxes on the floor.  I guess it is a holding place, just not as nice as my dreams.  Someday.

I moved the box spring and mattress that was in the the center of the room to lean against a "wall", opening the whole room up.  I know what are in the boxes, mostly scrapbook projects with old letters and photos from many people lives.  (I have become the family historian and get this stuff routinely.)  Someday I will tackle them, but first I need to deal with the children scrapbook projects so they leave the house when the children do.

I went through three banker boxes of music.  I emptied two and a bit and now have two boxes of music ready to leave.  It represents a lot of time, money, and dreams.  But I will never teach piano again.  I kept the method books I like for my kids to learn on, but the library of method books is going.  The solo sheet music, the duet books, the theory, the sight reading, they are all going.  That was an easy let go.

I also went through two boxes of my stuff from high school.  Found my calculus notes.  They are trashed.  Scrapbooks from those teenage years, condensed down to one box and waiting for bookshelves to sit on.  Easy let goes.

In the bottom of one of the boxes I found a letter, a very painful letter to read when I first got it.  It hasn't changed.  I have stewed over that letter the past few days, wondering if it what was said is still true.  Showed it to dh to get his take on if it was still true.  In some ways, yes.  In other ways, no.  I know the why and I can do what I can to continue to grow, but we both agree there is only so much I can do due to how my mind is wired.

He then pointed out that it was not a letter written in love.  That the writer had been angry and vindictive when it was written.  That they wanted to put me in my place.  He lovingly told me to let it go.  This is hard.  The way my mind works, due to the fact the author wrote that they were saying this to help me, I really thought it was written in love.  I can see where dh is coming from, yet I don't fully understand.  So I will trust him and try to let it go.  Hard to do because, while I can toss the letter, the words are burned into my mind and are wounds on my heart.  So I will pray and someday, hopefully, I will let it go.

Answers

Maybe it just me, but there are times I will see others doing things I would like to do (usually much better then I could do) and I am happy for them and sad for myself.  Another longing, dream, or talent just not good enough to do what I want to do.  So the question for Sunday was what am a really good at?

I got an answer, over and over yesterday. 

Ironic thing is I am not able to do much with it right now.  So even though I know what I am good at I can’t do much with it day to day.  Which lead to the next answer: Be Patient.

Be patient, my time will come.  It took Sara 90 years to have a child.  I am on the Lord’s time table, not mine.  Be patient.  My time WILL come.  So I will just do what I can to grow and develop and wait for the time when I will be asked to do more and it is ok.  It really is.